My Suicide Note…#001

Life is a bitch a cold hard hearted bitch that turns us up and down, inside and out, here and there until there is nowhere else to go. To be honest I am tired really tired. Why does it always have to be so hard why don’t things go just as planned? Life, God, religion, it’s just all a stupid charade. I have been told on numerous occasions that religion is the opium of the poor man. Well, indeed it is so. The poor man is so bent on hope of an honest better tomorrow. While other people who finally turn out successful unlike the opium junkie, get there by hook or crook, but who cares? Eventually the end justifies the means.

Come on, do not put me off because my thoughts contrast with your beliefs. Have a seat, let’s reason together. How many times have you prayed for sth you were urgently in need of but it never came? And, neither did you receive any other better than that? I am certain that it’s more times than you’d care to admit. So what’s the deal with believing in someone who doesn’t care about what you want? We are often told that there is always a reason. He has a master plan for our lives. He knows our beginning to our end. The hell he does. Why not reveal it then?

Why suffer in silence? Why not tell him off? Why? The answer is quite simple. The mentality of fear has been candidly ingrained in our minds, and all information we have for aforesaid reference (The bible), does nothing but depict a God who uses humans like pawns in his Master scheme.
What the hell is a Master plan if the personnel you are working with are oblivious of the expectations? This is selfish. We humans are selfish, but I would obviously expect more of him. It only makes sense if he would reveal to us what course he has chartered for our lives. It would have saved us all from stress, mental illness, uncertainty and endless suffering in places we belong not. Now this would truly be a God of love.

Young men and women are suffering. They suffer from uncertainty and endless suffering due to failure to achieve all the great things that they’d want to. If he truly cares then why allow such senseless and hopeless deaths? Probably he has too many other people to worry about. Why be bothered by a few broken people who mean nothing to him as much? He has better things to do… I wonder what those things might be. And then, in the middle of nowhere comes someone asking, do you believe in God? What kind of question is that? Of course I do. I do believe that there’s a Supernatural being incapable of understanding my endless immense pain and suffering. I believe that he still sits comfortably in his throne literally looking down on me. Seeing all the pointless things I do in order to put my life on track. Seeing me question my mental capacity and still does nothing. I believe he is there. What I DO NOT believe is IN HIM. Why would I anyway?

I am bitter, yes, I am. I am really exhausted too. What’s the point of going on with something, when probably at some point in life you will leave it for something else that could be better? Why would the better thing not be revealed to you in the first place, so that you would exclusively work towards it? I am sure you would want to reach the zenith of your potential success early in life. When you have all the energy and eagerness to work. When you can sleep at 2am and wake up at 4am to work for the next 20 hours non stop at an efficiency of a cup of saturated coffee and a lollipop stick for sugar rush. When you can stay up all night working on a project, assignment, report, planning or just studying. These are the times when all things should be falling INTO PLACE, not apart.

I sound like a broken record and that is 100% accurate. I am broken into bits, shreds, pieces, atoms. Endless, spread across the extents of infinity, grappling at straws at the edges of the deep where beneath lies darkness, cold but eventual peace. Peace that I have longed for from the beginning of time. All I now require is the fastest means there. The living know life, love, joy, accomplishment for some and despair for most alongside ambiguity. Yet the dead know one thing for sure, DEATH 💀, along with all its perks.

Yes, I listen to gospel music; mostly classical, the hymns; since it is soothing and sweet. But on some days, my demons won’t just give up. I want to tear down walls. I want to break everything. I want to beat up someone senseless. I want to cut all close ties I have. I want to be alone. Yet funny enough what stops me is my mind, clearly thought out and reasoning. Not a _voice of reason in my ear_. I too go to church not because it’s awesome or it renders me peace. It’s simply an escape from the scathing scary reality of life and we all need that at some point in the week. If you’re listening, if you’re even there in the first place, I implore thee to change your ways for you are losing us more than we are losing ourselves even.

Life is a beautiful sculpture. The curves and edges are spot on; perfect with smooth furnishing on the ends for a finish. All we see beyond the sculpture itself is the sculptor whose works we praise, though we forget the magnitude of effort and man hours he put in. Then end up not compensating for even ⅛ of the input. This is because we don’t understand even an iota of sacrifice that he put into that piece of work. It is said that when life gives you lemons then make lemonade. So, what if it gives you rotten lemons?

By: K3ysp3rk©


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