My Suicide Note… #002

樂樂樂My trail of thought…樂樂樂

It is 3 am on a Sunday morning. I am sleepless. I should be heavily asleep right now considering how early I wake up on weekdays. Today should be a day to catch up on rest and sleep. But as you guessed correctly, I’m getting none of that today. Have you ever been endlessly thoughtful but painfully thoughtless? Have you tried pinning your thoughts on one single thing that keeps bothering you but your focus decides to suffer “astigmatism?” Have you been stressed to the point of sickness? Have you been thoughtful to the point of blood pressure? Maybe you have, maybe not. The BIG question remains, HAVE YOU BEEN HERE, WHERE I AM, AT THIS POINT?

Life is a lengthy prelude to a definite end which is death. It’s preamble is birth. So without birth, there’s no death and in turn, no life as well. However we revel so much in the beauty and finess of life. Clinging on to it, all for different wants and purposes. I am an avid reader of science and I realized that humankind is secretly devising and searching for a way to make his life infinite without all it’s downsides. The sickness, pain, hunger, questionability* and fallibility of man. For what reason? To what end? I want to be a “god“. A creator. Untouchable. Unyielding. Omnipotent. Brimming with glory and honour. I am human though; the exact opposite of all these things. I strive daily for perfection. I tear up often with failure. I break down daily from heartache. I mourn incessantly for my lost soul. But in the dark of the night I daily go to sleep with the hope of creating a much better day when I wake up tomorrow. Well, I’d say that’s the complete unedited definition of a “god”. The strength to wish and hope for a better tomorrow. All through your own strength, will and power. But… A greater being, we all believe in the presence of. A bigger power than us. Something our feeble minds can hardly fathom. Makes us seem weak even though we are strong. We know we are. I know I am because I wake up daily to get my work done. I task myself with goals so great, so high, so mighty and work towards achieving them, having in mind the fact that I should aim at the moon 🌙 and if I miss, I’ll fall on the stars 🌟.

“I believe everyone has their own religious journey,” I have been told. Others go through roads of gold and precious stones while others go through paths of gravel and hot blistering sand on bare feet. The only defining factor in both cases is the drive, the will, committment and craving for answers. For a better nature of existence without beguilment, deception and doubt. Some may find their way to peace, but others… well some of us are just doomed by fate to remaining miserable. Not necessarily materialistically but mentally and psychologically as well. I find such things so funny, simply hilarious and most people will conclude and term me as a “sadistic prick”. (It’s quite amazing that I have been called by the same exact words before. As a matter of fact, it wouldn’t be termed as a prick anyway, it’s quite long dark with veins and girth so anyway.. Prick or no prick, D it is). Come though, come on have a seat and let’s think and discuss this. On a scale of 1-10, how often do we face doubt? Using the same scale, how often do we take decisive action in the face of dire dillemma? How often do we find ourselves remorseful for decisions we made after incessantly brooding over the options laid out for us?… I wouldn’t know what numbers you picked for each case, on the Real Number scale, but what I know is that, if these number were to be represented as a floating point number, the answer would be very often. The question remains, Why?

Why all the affright? Why do we bombard our nous with credulity? Are we just plain preposterous, lacking in genius with no hope nor desire to rise above our frivolous natures to become quintessence? Or are we? 樂樂樂. I am no stranger to pain, neither a royal, not to suffer want. All I have is the want to know no pain. 

By: K3ysp3rk©


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