Soul crushing, heart wrenching, choking the air out of reason rationality and outright factual recollection. Brutish and unrelenting, I embodied your ideal nature, leaving behind all your perks of fondleness and happy thoughts. I needed to be like you in all the dark worst ways so that you’d never be able to draw me back into your cocoon of happy thoughts. I needed to be strong like you and even much stronger again because you gentle but firm gesture of welcome would be too compelling to turn away from. I wanted to run so far away into the very oblivion you thoughtlessly pushed me into in the first place; but the more I ran I seemed to be coming back to the very same entry point you brought me through. I so much craved reprieve from my gullible nature; believing all the sweet nothings you caused my heart and mind to believe and revel in. And now you seem to have brought me back to the very point I have always dreaded. Should I leave and let leave? Should I go and let go? I detest the lack of surety. I always have, always will, never will stop. So now show me what in hell’s name needs to be done.
I admire the devil. I do. Yes, I really do. Think about it, “Isaiah 14:12 How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations! 14:13 For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: 14:14 I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High. 14:15 Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.” I do know the Bible, inside_out if you dare say. He was so bold and outright rebellious to what he deemed foul-play in the judgement and rule of “The Most High.” Stupid soul-sucking love didn’t matter in this case. He was the first to realize that love… Love was/is a scam_ish. Just like adulting anyway.
If only there was a way to sheath my heart, cover it completely and stash it far, far away into the pits of hell fire, from whence my demons ascend and embody me in complete finesse. Perfectly in sync with my nature. Ruthless and unfeeling. Love being just another word aimlessly coined by the mortal being; some in honesty and others in sheer malice. I long for the gentle cold calming feel of my Glock in the midst of my ribcage. At least with it there are always only two options. Hold or Fire. Its fire is COLD, metallic and sure to burn sending adrenaline cruising through the veins struggling for life. Your fire on the other hand, incinerates all sense of hope reason and care, plunging one into confusion, despair and death. You’re the one thing I trully HATE, but as it is said, “keep your friends close; and your foes even closer.” So, I shall keep my peace and you keep your space. Till we meet again, пока́.