Love bites when love BITES. Hurt people, hurt people. This pain is too much to take in at a go. I am only a simple varsity student, in my sophomore year but already through two heart-wrenching heartbreaks? I am honestly lost for words. This love thing was not meant for me. I should just go ahead and lead my initial lifestyle of one time flings and no strings attached. Well, during that period of my life, things were a lot less hard and complicated than they are at the moment. I even wonder how we’ll be able to share oxygen. Even studying will be a major issue and more so, the atmosphere around us will be tense and strained. This is so sad. Never have I hurt a girl my entire life but so far I’ve been dumped by those I considered too close. Is life just so unfair to those who intend to do well and make this world a better place where human feelings are valued highly and used as a prerogative for any action to be undertaken? Why, why me? I’m still in utter dilemma. I don’t know what else to do considering I’ve been booted for the second time in a row within only a year. Am I so bad a boyfriend? Well, I guess I will never get an answer to that specific query. Her words were, “I wish you peace of mind and insight. I cannot help you though because I want you to think less and less about me… I don’t want you to. I want you to simply understand that I don’t want you to understand but to act, just forget me.” Good lord, what am I even supposed to decipher from those words? Is it that she’s calling it quits, does she want to take a break, does she expect me to go after other girls? I’m at crossroads and she’s not helping a tad bit by her words. The more I think of it I tend to think that we’ve been in a relationship so long unlike those around her, whose relationships hit a dead end and it’s scary to her considering we both are in sophomore year and she’s yet to explore the world and understand the various kinds of guys there are. Maybe I am wrong. I want to be wrong at this moment but nothing at all makes reasonable sense to me. Every single day I wake up hoping, just hoping that she will text me and tell me that we need to talk once we open a school so that we can settle these inconceivable issues with her and make a valid and final decision as to what is to happen between us, all to nothing, NOTHING! Women are like flowers, only appealing lovely and sweet when fresh and yours though become filthy and dirty once you lose possession of them.
Well, for most of the time, actually all of the time that I spent with you, everything was about you. I woke up to thoughts of you. I showered with fantasies of having you there and then with me. I studied all in a bid to make a future with you as 21st century comfortable as it could ever get. I planned all my years with you at the epitome, embedded, engraved in diamond, so pure so shiny so shimmery so precious. But wait, shimmery. That’s the word. Your eyes. That, they were. Constantly brimming but rarely pouring. Balancing, retaining all the pent up emotion that you harboured inside. A shoulder to lean on I wholeheartedly gave. I rose to the occasion to provide emotionally where materially I lacked in all essence of the word. Was it enough? That I doubt. To you, it was not. Subconsciously you doubted. Doubted the fact that a fuckboy would want to settle down and call that initial state of life quits just because of the innocent girl you were. You doubted the fact that he loved you as he claimed he did, yet you were the first to in aspect declare your feelings for him before he mustered the courage to do so. In truth, he wasn’t scared. He decided to love, and he had to make sure that whatever ‘mystical’ feeling that was taking a toll on his heart was the love initially professed unto him. He was quite sure you made him feel different and he decided to take it behold it and cherish it with his entirety, to have and to hold “To infinity and beyond” just as you had put it. What was it that made you kill him in such a manner? Cold, heartless, brutal, ruthless, uncanny, frivolous, conniving. All these words are miniature understatements to describe your crime. It was a crime against humanity. The sole essence of being alive and feeling a human being. You should be forever sentenced to life behind bars in a court of law. But, being as kind as he is, he dropped all charges and decided to leave it. Letting bygones be bygones. Food for thought though, pain is a bitch but Karma is bigger.
The hell with all the emotional dilemma I went through. Let me give you a sneak peek into the depths of my cosy warm heart before it all went down the drain. First…
The Love Letter
Red, Using the word “blessings” to describe the day our paths crossed will be undermining the joy that walked into my life the first time we exchanged our hellos. I will always bless it as a memory I intend to take to my grave irrespective of how this love story ends. I have seen beautiful women, but none like you. There is something different about you. It wasn’t just your endearing smile, no. It wasn’t only your sparkling eyeballs, neither was it your modestly shaped beautiful body. It was the goodness I sensed beneath your beauty; the aura of serenity hovering over you. Right there, I knew my greatest act of cowardice will be to walk by without saying hello. Sweetness, where have you been all my life? From the moment I met you, it has been nothing but joy. I guess that the Supreme Being was saving the best for the last. Yes, a glimpse of hope just when it seems like my world was going to fall apart; a jackpot of fruitfulness; a plant in the Sahara. You are an imperfect perfection; intelligence and transparency precede you, yet your stubbornness is charming and I am glad I met you. I imagine the combination of the brightest star and the rainbow, a colourful ray of shiny lights, that’s what your presence radiates to me. You are as attractive as the full moon is to the night, and as fierce as the sun is to the day. Like a Lily that springs forth in a pond of mud, your beauty is manifested in a unique dimension; with a beautiful voice like Serinus and an appealing aroma like a Fragrant Cloud (Rose). Do I love you? Yes, but the fact that being in love with you melts my heart to gold. You give my life a new meaning, a purpose; a future with you is what I’d rather build. A place where all our dreams will come through, being each other’s indispensable supporters. Just last night I thought of what it would feel like to warm your bath when you are cold and pick your hair when it’s grey. I aspire to be your man, I long to claim your heart. To have, hold and never let go. To hug, kiss and always pamper you. We’ll pray, fight and win battles together. I’ll choose your dress while you pick my tie. You can make dinner; breakfast in bed will be my role to play. No doubt, we will have our itches, but you can be sure the world would never have to guess why our bond is unbreakable. I will always remain your number one supporter and a good father to our unborn children. We will nurture them with so much love; I can already imagine the look in my eyes when I behold them; the replica of love unspeakable that I have for you, my soul mate. When you become moody, I’ll devise means to see you happy because there is no home without a happy wife and mother. There will be no me without you, and there will be no other after you. Our world will be built on words of worth; God, fidelity, loyalty, sacrifice, trust and wealth. If I can’t bring the world to your feet, I must take you around it. I will kiss you in the open, and if the need arises, I’ll scold you in our closet. With you, I will walk tall, and when I win accolades for the best writer in the future we will embrace the spotlight together. I dedicate every award to you in advance, “to the woman that owns my heart; for her push and love.” We will never struggle to survive. You will be treated the way you deserve and more. The sex will always be memorable; we will have beautiful moments of being lost in each other while we make love. I will place a kiss on your forehead, kiss your ears, neck and massage your toes. I will love you helplessly. And if a minute with you is what I get of us in this lifetime, Baby, I will cherish it and treasure the pleasant memories with thoughts of how we came to be friends. Believe it or not, you have been a spark in my quiet world. You are special my love. Black.
That was helpless to me. Bound prisoner by this melodramatic euphoria, by the name, love. I memorized these words, to say to you before you left. On the very day, you decided not to have me. On that very day, my life came to a standstill. It was akin to a standing ovation, but now not in honour, but fear of destruction. Love bites when the love bites.